Published April 8, 2007 in Orlando Sentinel
Excerpt from Scott Maxwell's column

You probably know that Orlando set a record for murders last year, with things such as robberies also on the rise. So what are your law-enforcement officials up to nowadays? Well, let's look at last week:

First, we had Orlando Mayor Buddy Dyer's police force arresting a young man near Lake Eola – for feeding the hungry. The City Council, you see, thinks homeless people make the City Beautiful look anything but. And since you can't really make it a crime to be homeless (don't they wish), they decided to make it a crime to feed them en masse at Eola. So last week, when the cops spotted volunteers serving rice, stew and (gasp!) bread pudding out of a large pot – and "utilizing a ladle," according to a police report – they made an arrest.

Then we also had the Metropolitan Bureau of Investigation reacting to a court ruling they'd been fighting, regarding how strippers should dance. The dancers won a few breaks in the case. But MBI officials still considered the ruling welcome news, with director Bill Lutz reminding Central Floridians that dancers are only allowed to touch themselves "in a manner that does not rise to the level of masturbation."

Really? This is what we're doing?

Crime is a top concern for most folks. And virtually every politician with access to a microphone has been holding news conferences, convening task forces and crowing that they're doing their best to keep us safe. And yet what we saw last week was a young idealist arrested for ladling out stew, and a top investigator talking about simulated masturbation. I can't wait to read the next task-force report that explains how robberies and murders will be reduced thanks to the diligent monitoring of dance styles and ladle utilization.